Live to the Max

Not long after my son died, I had a discussion with a pastor who was doing his best to encourage me.

He told me, “Jesus knows exactly how you feel. He came to earth and experienced grief too. After all, the Bible says he wept when Lazarus died.”

Maybe it’s because I was extremely raw in my grief, or maybe it’s because I didn’t want to hear any cheap cliches about loss, but I replied with the following, “Yes, but once He experienced loss, He reversed it. He raised Lazarus from the dead so the grief could end. But I don’t get that option, do I? The difference between my experience and His experience is…my son won’t be raised from the dead.”

More than a year has passed since this conversation, but I’ve thought about it from time to time.

While his story didn’t exactly connect, I’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus did experience tremendous grief that is relatable to what I’ve experienced.

But I’m afraid the pastor chose the wrong story that day.

Instead, the pastor should have pointed to the moment in scripture where Jesus, cried out, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?”

I too, cried out to God as I wept over my son’s dead body while screaming, “Why God?! Why didn’t you save him? Why?!”

The feeling of abandonment, that’s the commonality we share.

I wish I could say the grief experience has allowed me to encounter God in real and tangible ways that have fortified my faith.

But that would be a lie.

I guess that’s the story of people with faith much stronger than mine.

Instead, I am limping along, holding on with a grip that is slipping.

And yet, the most connected I have felt to God in my grief comes with the assurance that I can bring this anger and sadness directly to Him.

Isn’t that what Jesus showed us when he cried out?

So, I continue to go to God in my raw form.

Confused, broken, and desperate, I cry out and He receives me each time.

Where else can I go? My hope is in Him.